Demonsquirrel

(yes, this is a YouTube playlist I just made and named "what 2022 deserves" that so far contains just the "Welshy Remix" of Black and Tans and the Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hardcore Dubstep Remix of Cotton Eyed Joe)

(I'll probably listen to it on repeat)

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLW8qCPHf-7FdscWYg_v2QFXM9nn-uAVyr

Dialectics is basically political talk for system dynamics and feedback loops

(Committed by me, to be clear)


Theydyfriend

Gentlethem Caller

Gentlefemme Caller

I will now be periodically scanning the nerdosphere for conventions with a panel titled "The Immortal Tatsu, Power Bottom Exemplar?"

Does there exist a specific phrase for

"If it's a thing you can't do for yourself and is something you enjoy

And I adore you

And making it possible for the thing to happen for you doesn't cause me significant discomfort

Then making it possible for the thing to happen for you makes me really really happy

Even if it's not a thing I would bother doing independent of how it makes you feel" ???

It frustrates me that there are important things like that we don't have specific language for

A specific alienation I have struggled with for years is that there are so many parts of life where the shit that causes me significant discomfort is atypical..... the shit that doesn't cause me significant discomfort is atypical

And people get so..... weird.... about someone trying to make conscious, explicit choices in the hope.... of.... having people in their life they can do that thing above for.... having people in their life that do that thing above for them

The "polite" thing is apparently to keep stumbling around and finding oneself in a position to say

"but actually that causes me significant discomfort so no, I can't help you with that, I'm sorry if you had made plans assuming I could" or

"yes, it would be convenient if I adored you but apparently I don't and I'm sorry if you had made plans assuming I did"

or never ever having the opening to say "ok maybe that caused everyone else you have ever known significant discomfort... but it wouldn't cause me significant discomfort... in case that knowledge would impact your planning"

I don't have a "biological clock" in the sense of needing to procreate... to achieve some "legacy"

But I do sometimes feel hit by this overwhelming fear that somewhere are people I don't know how to encounter... people I could adore and who would adore me.... who have things they need help with that I am willing and able to do... who are willing and able to do things that I need help with

And that I and those people are "wasting time" stumbling around in what feels like the cold and dark

When we could be.... together...... experiencing that thing above for each other

I think one of the things I most valued out of having watched The Good Place is the idea that if Heaven exists, maybe it's a place where the people you couldn't encounter in this utterly chaotic, stifling, starved existence finally can find each other....

and maybe there is just..... time to explore all the possible permutations of taking care of each other for years and decades.... to fully explore their Stories and Discoveries... to have your Stories and Discoveries fully received

I just.... **sigh**

For a long time I was drowning in medium of values with which I did not resonate, a medium that insisted those values were all that existed to be valued

I believed that I lacked the ability to know what I valued, to know "moral" from "immoral"

Whenever I came across something which contained values with which I resonated at all... came across someone proclaiming values with which I in any way resonated... I would cling to that thing, that person

And if the values with which I resonated were only a small portion of what I was clinging to..... well.... it was still more than I had known before

If I experienced discomfort in trying to fit my actions, myself, to the whole of what I had passionately embraced.... I was certain the lack was due to an insufficiency of passion and devotion on my part

The greatest torment for me is to love institutions/beings which/who demand that it is possible for me to resonate with something I do not and which/who insist that my worth is based on the extent to which I succeed in that impossible-for-me resonance

That has always been the eventual poison hidden within the treat

I have learned that there are values with which I resonate

And that when I am pressured to act against what I value that I resist, evade, refuse

I have learned that I am NOT doomed to wait for the right prophet to find me so that I can prove myself worthy of the truths they are able to reveal

I have learned that I can declare and listen and assess and discuss

*sigh*

Like

https://youtu.be/tm85vW006sA

But also

https://assets19.sigaccess.org/docs/Williams_PositionPaper.docx

Learning to Say No: When FATE is too Late

by Rua M. Williams (University of Florida)

Abstract: Among growing concerns about the disproportionate dangers AI advances pose to marginalized groups, proposals for a procedural solution to ethics in AI abound. As each framework for enforcing ethics has its exploits exposed, a new cog is added to the orrery. Perhaps it is time to consider that some systems may be inherently violent, even if they are fair. We are not going to program our way into justice. We have to learn to say no to building violent things

The struggle is real dot com

"Fun" ADHD paradox

One may be more likely to experience hunger when one is insufficiently medicated

But one is more likely to be able to muster the executive functioning required for tasks involved in corraling nutrients and inserting nutrients into one's digestive system when medicated

Another "humanity" catch-22

"Et cetera" "miscellaneous" are in various ways proudly pointed to as "that's what makes us HUMAN"

But

"Et cetera" "miscellaneous" are expected to be bounded in unspoken, implicit ways.

If you don't automatically stay within those implicit boundaries.... if you defiantly demand that those boundaries be explicitly acknowledged, declared, examined - your humanity comes under suspicion

I'm feeling really resentful right now

of the excessive popularity

of narratives that show someone under pressure and upset

and imply that this dooms them to harm others,

dooms them to harm people who don't deserve harm,

dooms them to harm large numbers of people.

The "and then they became a monster" narratives.

I resent that in the middle of struggling to survive

I am fearing "becoming" something that deserves eradication

(especially given the existence of systems that already judge me as harmful and deserving to be eradicated simply for existing)

I resent the impression that every defensive motion and sound of protest

"proves" me dangerous

"proves" me deserving of harm done to me

in the past

in the present

in moments yet to come

I don't want to be "a monster"

But I want to survive