Demonsquirrel

ok, so..... I had been thinking for a while that I could not really conceive of a way for me to cosplay Twilight that would actually feel like... cosplaying Twilight to me. (and that I would want to wear)

Then I was looking through pyramid collection's catalog's yesterday and saw this item which kinda feels like a Bella-Wearing-Edward's-timeframe coat to me. (*shrug*) (it's too expensive for me to consider buying.... maybe I could make it? I don't know....)

and at home I have this dress (in white).... that I could see wearing underneath.....

now everything I've said so far is not that laugh-worthy. I'm not done yet.


See, in all my years of being nearsighted I've never ever really contemplated getting contacts. I just can't imagine putting them in or letting someone else do it.

But now I keep thinking..... "and if I could somehow get myself to wear a pair of yellow contacts, that would really make the outfit....."


*hangs head*



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Crafter-people: How naïve would I be to think that chrome-colored spray enamel that says it is intended for use on metal (among other materials) would be somehow more resistant to the forces of friction than silver polishing liquid? ('enamel' just says 'durable' to me, but I may be gullible)

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When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home
I am going out to see what I can sow
And I don't know where I'll go
And I don't know what I'll see
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me

Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me
As you watch me wander, curse the powers that be
'Cause all I want is here and now but it's already been and gone
Our intentions always last that bit too long

Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and
You're still there
Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me and you're still there
In the full moons light I listen to the stream
And in between the silence hear you calling me
But I don't know where I am and I don't trust who I've been
And If I come home how will I ever leave

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I accept that in the Twilight book series Bella has less physical power than many of the other beings around her and I accept that as the main character she is primarily presented during moments of conflict and drama. I do not accept the perspective that she is "always a victim". I believe that people who do not like her as a character or Twilight as a series on this basis are reading things into the story that were never there and missing other important elements of Bella's character that are there.

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I am greedy. I realize this.

When a group of characters and the world-framework they belong in really resonate with me..... I want to be able to explore every aspect of the framework that connects to those characters.


And.... this mostly seems to happen with worlds that come from one person's mind almost entirely. I'm not really sure why.



I find myself wanting to brain-tape the author..... create a captive little AI built off their thoughts that I can interrogate ruthlessly. "Did they go to school later that day or did the craziness that happened earlier that week mean they stayed out one more day?" "When you say he likes jazz do you mean something more like Ella FitzGerald or Harry Bellafonte? And what was his position on big band music?" "Did they ever get copies for themselves of all the pictures and videotapes her mother took of her when she was a child?" "Did they ever go out to the movie theatre or did they just watch dvds at his house? Or videos at hers?" "When they listen to music together, do they use headphones on a splitter or do they let it play out into the room?" "Would they ever go to a Rennaissance Faire if the opportunity presented itself?"


In getting involved with fanfiction part of me is starting to learn to appreciate an aspect of storytelling which is one author taking a set of concepts from someone else's work and putting their own spin on things..... but still... the part of fanfiction that I suspect will always be most meaningful to me is the shared desire I find with some few people to try and fill in the blanks in a way that seems to fit with the rest.... to clarify.... to enhance the illusion that somewhere out there is a coherent whole that one day we will know in detail. Not to rewrite. Not to say "this is how _I_ would have done it" but to say "ok, from these dots we can infer that the curve's equation lies so.... and thus if that is true the curve passes through this part of the graph....." To dig for more data, more dots... find every interview and every bulletin board where a question was ever answered or a perspective clarified by the main source.

Because, dang it.... it can't just be dots..... dots come from a curve and eventually that equation will be revealed (even as I get older and my certainty that it is messy transmission of the knowledge of a curve that leads to the perception of mere points of data rather than the idea that the points of data may somehow have their own much more valid reality than the estimation of a curve is tested and shaken with greater frequency)


I want a universal equation. I want a consistent system that speaks to me in which I can be an expert regardless of its relevance to any particular part of the rest of the reality connected to my paying of bills, putting nutrients in my body and providing some kind of order to my physical environment. I want to feel like if I wake up one morning wondering what a particular character's second birthday was like.... where it was celebrated and who was there.... that I know where to go to get that answer.

I'm an INTP and, darn it, I insist that some part of the universe cater to my desire for completion and internal consistency.

I'm greedy and I know it.

Someday I should wise up and put actual mst3k stuff on wishlists for myself. 'Cause I totally know the concept but I've maybe seen parts of a couple of episodes. And not really large parts, either. My geek cred is in serious danger.


Today may be the day I will wise up in such a fashion.

Then again, it may not be.

I don't remember if I posted this here already. I know I posted it on my 'twilight lj' but since it's about.... me, even if in terms of a couple of twilight characters... I'm tossing it here. (and if I did it before already.... eh)

I share with Alice - given names, size, occasional bouts of hyperactivity and the tendency to live more within our visions of what the future may hold (inferior in clarity and accuracy may mine be to hers) than in the present around us.

I share with Bella - hair, eyes, temper, physical grace, fashion sense, self-confidence (or lack thereof) and the tendency to be far more comfortable with fiction than with most people.

I only wish I was a good enough person to be able to love as unselfishly as Bella does, to be able to easily forgive those she loves and who truly love her for those moments when they are lacking in discernment and/or capability.

I envy Bella's discipline and her instinct for identifying those who truly love her.

5

so I find myself as your protege
in the shadows underground
keep me buried here for another year
but you'll never knock me down
you seduced my mind with the strangest thoughts
but never danced a step
& there is no tree now, not for you & me now
only what happens next

(chorus)
take away the mask there used to be a man beneath it somewhere
take away the man but the idea will remain
even so I wonder who I would have seen there under it
if I'd dared to ask your name
take away my life but don't you ask for my forgiveness my love
take it inch by inch but there's still something you can't kill
in this bleak November must you ask if I'll remember you
when you know you know I will

maybe you were right, maybe I was lost
& I've always been afraid
now I see like you but I can't stay true
to the monster that they made
cause you broke my will til I was reborn
as something I am not
& I see no reason why your act of treason
should ever be forgot

(chorus)

what changed my mind drove me away
if you're looking for the guilty drop the mask & check the mirror
yes I came back, no I can't stay
but I've seen your face in everyone cause there's one thing I still fear
there's a world out there but something tells me
we won't get a second chance
cause there's a war in here that's yours for the fighting
what we have is this kiss so may I have this dance?

so I find myself by your side again
no time now for what we were
nothing I can say could force you to stay
but it's less than you deserve
so I'll lay you down, you will rest at last
with roses at your head
I go on undaunted knowing what I wanted
is never truly dead

(chorus)

I am deeply programmed to see myself as a prey animal, all my instincts are geared towards that understanding. Prey animals very rarely do well in pvp.

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Goodness, I wish I had a memetic turkey baster/syringe so that I could take context from one of my communities and inject it into all the others.

Today the context I want to spread is the Sca "Peerage Vigil"

See, I've realized I don't want < Event > "showers"

What I want is a "Peerage Vigil" for becoming a spouse or a parent.

I realize that in all likelikood something resembling traditional showers would happen, because people would want for me to have one. But now I know what I would want, which, for me, is usually a huge accomplishment.

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Insert here alternating/braided earworm of "The Day The Music Died"/"The Saga Begins"

Brain-hampster tired. Walking its wheel to that tune alternating the context randomly.

I know The Saga Begins is in there because of recent conversations comparing my mixed feelings about Twilight the movie vs the books to my embarrassed feelings about the execution of the romantic scenes in Attack of the Clones vs my nerd-love for the Star Wars universe (and in this case, esp my nerd-love for Padme Amidala).

For some reason that melody feels like hampster's soundtrack today. Be interesting to see what will happen when hymns are dumped on top of current brain-state.


Tired. Hampster doze now.

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and with the caveat that I am aware this is about what I feel, what I think I want, what I am tempted towards regardless of whether it is actually wise or feasible.......

(previous post on this subject)

I feel like I want a moment in time where I can say "This is about what is sacred. This is where what is being enacted and what is being said is more important than what is worn or what is recorded. What is being worn or the ability to record things has a place here.... but it is not allowed to be seen as 500% more important than what is happening. In this time and place there is to be no fussing about whether everything looks 'just right'. Recording of this time and place for posterity is to be unobtrusive, not interfering with the moment, not extending a simulation of the moment artificially.... _this_ moment is about what _is_ not about the 'production value'. In return, I am willing to have a different moment that is about 'production value', where the clothing and the makeup and the lights and the camera get 'pride of place'.... where a larger community can be audience and there can be many many who record the moment in any fashion they see fit..... where input will be taken on the most 'appropriate' clothing and music and traditions.... in the eyes of a larger melded community. A moment that is about declaration to the world."

As a Roman Catholic I do understand that technically I _should_ be comfortable with folding an important declaration to God in with a declaration to a large community..... but I find at least still at this point in my life I don't feel that way.

I feel..... selfish. I want to keep my sense of the sacred 'safe' and 'pure' from ..... 'worldly pollution' and 'popular consensus' and 'media culture'.


I am an elitist snob. (with [meyers-briggs context] SJ allergies, no less)

*chuckle* I do know I am....

Me: So, if "all their base belong to you" and you're "in their base, killing their mens" doesn't that mean you are in _your_ base killing _your_ mens?

kr1mz0n_ghoti: No, No, you have them in the wrong order. _First_ you are "in their base, killing their mens" _Then_ "all their base belong to you". It's much easier to take over a base after all the people guarding it are dead.

Me: Excellent point, that makes so much sense!

So, having attended a close family member's wedding my brain-hamster of course, has much to wheelspin about regarding the concept of my future potential nuptials.

One thought that keeps coming up is that I have a strong temptation to have one small religious ceremony with bride, groom, priest, and some people who can be trusted not to fuss over hair, makeup, clothing and decoration and then something bigger and just "religion-flavored" that can be the big production. That way I could relax about all the fussing since it's fussing in preparation of a "public performance" and not polluting something sacred.


*shrug*

I look outside and describe the weather to kr1mz0n_ghoti using the term 'deluge'.

"It's a good thing we have an ark, then."

"We do?"

"You didn't notice I spent the last 40 days building an ark in the backyard?"

"Oh, good. So do we have to start gathering animals, then?"

"No, that's a different ark. Ours is much smaller."

"Just us, then?"

"Well, we are responsible to gather up one male and one female computer. So that there will be internets later."

"Ah, of course.... "

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/1765 may be my new friend

ok, can anyone think what would be causing my computer to try and randomly pull up a music program? my computer was constantly pulling up itunes. recently an upgrade broke itunes and I finally figured out how to uninstall it while preparing to fix it but while I have it uninstalled my computer keeps trying to randomly pull up winamp. now it's not playing anything specific when it starts so I don't know what's doing this. can anyone think of a way to figure out what's randomly and automatically trying to make a music program open and make it stop?

Thank you, God and Lord of all, for song

Thank you for that within us which hears the sounds around us and interprets it as what we call music.

Thank you for that within us which longs to hear, to create, and to perform music.

Thank you for humanity having the ability to create and perform music.

Thank you for the feeling of serenity and of fullfullment that can come from listening to, creating or performing music.

Thank you for that within us which makes us willing to give our attention to humans who are creating music.

Thank you for that within us which makes us willing to step up and perform music for other human beings.

Thank you for that within us that makes us willing to work with other human beings to create and perform works of music we could not accomplish alone.

Thank you, God and Lord of all, for song.

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vista's screwy attempt to implement 'permissions' has me about 3 steps away from replacing the os on my laptop with linux. any linux, I'm too annoyed to care about the details..... bah!!!!!!!

Ok, folks.

For the sake of what limited sanity the sqrl can scrape together and the safety of nearby people and property please refrain from directing at her questions in any way related to blurbs one might have gathered from various tabloid media involving Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner or any combination thereof. In the sqrl's personal universe tabloids and reality tv do not exist but this particular combination of concepts is more uncomfortable to contemplate than division by zero so, have a heart and neither smoke inside enclosed areas next to the sqrl nor force this particular pollution into her mental breathing space. Please. I did ask nicely.